Is getting back with an ex a good idea?

February 10, 2021


Breakups are not easy, much less if it was not our choice. Some frequent questions after a breakup are: How can I get back together with my ex? How can we go back to what we had? Our mind creates many fantasies planning that moment, what to say, how to react, etc. But actually, I believe that a more critical question is:


Should we get back together with our ex?

is getting back with an ex a good idea

In this post, I will share some questions to reflect on before creating a plan to get back together with your ex. These questions are not to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do but to provide you with insight into your motivations and how you can honor your wellbeing.

1. How long has it been since you broke up?

There is no “perfect” time to start considering getting back together or even dating other people. However, after a breakup, a common and normal experience is an intense desire to get back with our ex. Suppose the relationship ended a couple of weeks or a couple of months ago. In that case, not enough time has likely passed to process the pain, get over the relationship, grow as a person, and be able to extend all that potential to other relationships. This does not mean that we must reach a “perfect” point of healing in our lives. Nor does it mean that healing cannot continue to happen while we are in a relationship. But it is an invitation to consider if you have given yourself the space to process your pain.

The time needed to heal from a breakup changes for each person and relationship.

At the same time, it is essential to give ourselves time to heal our grief, even if it’s done imperfectly. This allows us to reach an emotional space where we can make these decisions around relationships and our emotional wellness.


2. What is your motivation?

This question requires a high level of honesty. Exploring your motivation requires sitting with emotions or thoughts that are not pleasant or feel vulnerable. Each person has a different reason for returning to a relationship, and this motivation (or motivations) can change over time.

Often, fear, guilt, ego, or shame are a large part of the motivation that leads us to want to get back with an ex-partner.

is getting back with an ex a good idea

These emotions, feelings, and experiences can transform into fear of abandonment, codependency, a hurt ego, guilt for past mistakes, and pressure to meet social expectations, among other things.


If you identified with any of these motivations, this is not to make you feel bad or blame you. These motivations are completely normal and can be rooted in the hurt that is experienced through a breakup. This is why it is crucial to explore these motivations, work on them, and transform them into adesire to allow ourselves to have healthy relationships and share our full potential. This process has its ups and downs, and we won’t be able to achieve a “perfect” motivation since we are human beings.


The more we allow ourselves to create awareness of our inner world, the more we can then have more agency over the relationships we attract and create in our lives.


3. How did you use your time while being single?

Each person has a healing process, and it does not always look “productive” or glamorous. However, we can have a better chance of a healthyrelationship if we use singleness as a time to grow. This can be a time to learn to know yourself better, visualize your wounds, strengthen your other relationships, etc. It is a time when you become the focus of your attention instead of prioritizing trying to get back together with your ex. This does not mean that you will not think about the breakup, but it gives you a chance to slowly focus on yourself.

is getting back with an ex a good idea

4. How will you handle the information about what happened in your breakup? How will you create and maintain boundaries?

One of the most complex parts of a breakup is accepting that the original relationship ended. And that from that moment on, each person has the right to continue with their lives. This sometimes means that they will go back to dating, making their own decisions, creating new habits, etc. And we will not always agree, neither will it be that easy for us to accept this information.

This is why, if you are considering getting back together with your ex, it is vital to have a conversation about how you will handle this information. Additionally, talk about how you will set boundaries regarding what you will and won’t talk about. In this way, you can avoid, or know how to manage, themes around jealousy, control, or triggers.

In the end, you will always have your right to decide how you handle a breakup and if getting back together with an ex is the right choice for you. I hope these questions and reflections help you make yourself a priority when considering getting back with an ex. Regardless of your choice, you always have the option of placing your health and happiness centerstage!

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