If the title sounds familiar, it’s because I was inspired by Taylor Swift’s song “Tolerate it” from her album Evermore. This song says, “I know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it”. And I have to admit that this song, especially that line, profoundly touched me. The song is about a person who talks about her love and admiration for her partner and tries to be detail-oriented and show appreciation, but it seems that what she receives is indifference.
One of the dynamics of these types of relationships is that one partner does everything possible to get closer and “win over” the other person. When they finally succeed, then they proceed to walk away. The person begins to show indifference and even hurtful or contemptuous behaviors. This makes the other partner, the one who received all the initial love gestures, confused. It can also make this person feel responsible for regaining the love and attention that are no longer there.
Perhaps what inspired Taylor Swift to write this song was something different. This entry is my interpretation and what the lyrics reminded me of. My wish is to share with you some reflections that I had after listening to it. I got the lyrics in from this page.
One of the initial strategies of many toxic relationships is that one of the parties pursues the other, trying to convince them to give the relationship a chance. It can also be accompanied by promises of healing old emotional wounds, that everything will be different, and extraordinary gestures of love. This is a pattern to pay attention to! If a person tries to convince you to give them a chance and pushes you to “lower your walls” without giving you the time you need, this is a red flag. Relationships take time, and so does our internal process. If someone is not respecting your boundaries or time, they are showing a dynamic that will likely be repeated in the relationship.
However, one important thing is to notice if these behaviors are a pattern. And observing if the responsibility for the relationship feels like it always rests on our shoulders. Relationships are meant to be sustained and cared for by the people who are a part of them, not just one person. Finally, healthy relationships are spaces where our essence, identity, and actions are validated. It does not mean that we should depend exclusively on our partners for our self-esteem or feel unique or enough. But they should be spaces where we feel appreciation and care. If our relationship makes us feel lonelier than appreciation or company, we may face a problem.
I would love to hear from you! What thoughts or ideas came up after reading this post? You can leave me a comment or write me an email, and I am happy to hear from you.