Your love should be celebrated, not tolerated

If the title sounds familiar, it’s because I was inspired by Taylor Swift’s song “Tolerate it” from her album Evermore. This song says, “I know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it”. And I have to admit that this song, especially that line, profoundly touched me. The song is about a person who talks about her love and admiration for her partner and tries to be detail-oriented and show appreciation, but it seems that what she receives is indifference.

Unfortunately, this experience is very familiar to many people, especially those in toxic relationships.

One of the dynamics of these types of relationships is that one partner does everything possible to get closer and “win over” the other person. When they finally succeed, then they proceed to walk away. The person begins to show indifference and even hurtful or contemptuous behaviors. This makes the other partner, the one who received all the initial love gestures, confused. It can also make this person feel responsible for regaining the love and attention that are no longer there.

Perhaps what inspired Taylor Swift to write this song was something different. This entry is my interpretation and what the lyrics reminded me of. My wish is to share with you some reflections that I had after listening to it. I got the lyrics in from this page.

“Where’s that man who’d throw blankets over my barbed wire?”

One of the initial strategies of many toxic relationships is that one of the parties pursues the other, trying to convince them to give the relationship a chance. It can also be accompanied by promises of healing old emotional wounds, that everything will be different, and extraordinary gestures of love. This is a pattern to pay attention to! If a person tries to convince you to give them a chance and pushes you to “lower your walls” without giving you the time you need, this is a red flag. Relationships take time, and so does our internal process. If someone is not respecting your boundaries or time, they are showing a dynamic that will likely be repeated in the relationship.

“I sit and watch you
I notice everything you do or don’t do
You’re so much older and wiser, and I
I wait by the door like I’m just a kid”

“I made you my temple, my mural, my sky
Now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life
Drawing hearts in the byline
Always taking up too much space or time.”

• One of the strategies of people with toxic or narcissistic behaviors is to paint a grandiose version of who they are and what they bring into our lives. Therefore, when they start to walk away or use “stonewalling,” we can feel that we have to preserve the relationship at all costs because we cannot risk losing something so wonderful. This can lead us to try to compensate and do everything possible to rescue the relationship. These dynamics grant even more power to the person who started to walk away and exhibit problematic behavior. It also creates the perception that our needs and love are “in the way” or the problem. This can lead us to believe that we are “asking for too much” when, in reality, they are essential and valid needs in a relationship.

“I greet you with a battle hero’s welcome
I take your indiscretions all in good fun
I sit and listеn, I polish plates until they gleam and glistеn.”

“I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it.”

• Our love, care, or appreciation is not a favor that we do for other people. Again, our love and how we express it is not a favor we do for someone. If our affection and consideration are being received with indifference or annoyance, we may be in an unhealthy relationship. Indeed, we don’t do things so that our partners can see how exceptional we are. Nor is it always expecting to get something back. However, love is not something we should take for granted. If it feels that way, it may create resentment and other harmful reactions to the relationship and our mental health.

Relationships are not perfect, and many times we will make mistakes or show attitudes that will impact or hurt our partner.

However, one important thing is to notice if these behaviors are a pattern. And observing if the responsibility for the relationship feels like it always rests on our shoulders. Relationships are meant to be sustained and cared for by the people who are a part of them, not just one person. Finally, healthy relationships are spaces where our essence, identity, and actions are validated. It does not mean that we should depend exclusively on our partners for our self-esteem or feel unique or enough. But they should be spaces where we feel appreciation and care. If our relationship makes us feel lonelier than appreciation or company, we may face a problem.

As the title says, “Your love must be celebrated and not tolerated.”

I would love to hear from you! What thoughts or ideas came up after reading this post? You can leave me a comment or write me an email, and I am happy to hear from you.